Hi.
Since the valentine bug's here, I felt like posting a lil on love.
Oh yes, I'm still in love with the same person.
But I shan't can't and will not reveal who, because somehow, circumstances doesn't allow it.
And things will/might complicate.
You know like, we were together but nobody really knew?
Because, our situation was really complicated.
But whatever, our love story's not the main point right now.
So the inspiration of my post is from Tumblr and there are a few quotes from there.
I won't claim they're all mine (:
So here goes..
I fell in love with my bestfriend. Yes, as most of you already know.
And I fell deep.
Story of how we met?
(But then again, you may skip this long long long part. The quotes only come after the story. Hehehe.)
Honestly, he was never mine to start with I guess.
Because..... He actually liked Shaa where we met, Maya.
Then somehow they contacted but things didn't work out.
Then we met again, at Adelphi after a long time. Karaoke and drink.
Tasha, Shaa and Kakak was present.
I didn't really talk much to him that time.
We just talked like 1 or 2 words only in fact.
I was too busy singing and drinking with Kakak.
And Tasha and Shaa were more rapat, like taking pictures and everything.
Then somehow, when we went home, Shaa told me, he asked for my number.
But chey I jual mahal dulu! I didn't want to give, haha.
Really, I was just not interested. And some more Shaa ever liked him. So nah I gave it a pass.
Things weren't awkward even after that since he accepted that I didn't want to.
But we started meeting up pretty often. His friends and us.
Karaoke, exploring, lepak, drinking, late nights. Plenty of fun and laughter together.
So somehow, we did start to text and call each other, to ask where to meet, what time all.
Then, as days go by, I realise the questions started to change to "Oiii tga buatpe!?"
And the conversation then continues.
Hahaha, so without realising, I somehow started to contacted him.
But nothing was serious, we were still friends.
But he did gave a little hint here and there, but I was like, what the hell.
Maybe because I just didn't realise yet that I had loved him.
Then came the day we met his other friends.
Friends that we had met before too but had been so long ever since we met.
And one of his friend fell in love with me and declared that he was going for me to everybody.
From here I'll start saying X for the boy I love, and Y for the boy who loves me.
So Y started wooing me. But I was still texting X.
But X texts in a way that he'll tease me for Y, liking me and asking me to go for him.
I went out with Y, a couple of times, started being close, but felt.. Nothing.
And when I went out with Y, I would be asking about X.
X, Y and I start spending more times together, sleeping overs and still doing our thang.
I find myself becoming more closer to X instead, because practically I knew him better and more anyways.
He was there for me, when I was down, and I, for him because he wasn't over his ex.
And we started meeting up just the 2 of us.
And he would start texting me, saying why he would always sleep first when we had our sleepovers. "Pasal aku tak sanggup tengok kau dengan lelaki lain walaupun itu brother aku."
I was like.....Awwwwwwww. And I don't know, I guess I didn't even realise that I had fallen for him a long time ago.
But of course, I was still like, chey chey like real, tak percaya all this.
And it's like, he was there for me when I was crying like bullshit missing Shaa in all those days.
Night after night he accompanied me.
And we started texting more frequently too.
And somehow, one of our most special sleepover night, the night we got together.
Sigh.. Remembering this just.. Makes me.. Sigh.
We always had movie marathons and that night was no different.
But it was just the two of us.
Tickling games, cuddling, just looking at each others' faces for a long time while stroking each other's hair. I put him to sleep and then, wake him up all over again. Talking to each other in hushed voices even though there was no one around. Looking at him lying down with my arms on his body. And then, just hugging him to sleep while he held my hands because I'm afraid of the dark. Everything just felt so right, with him by my side. I felt like I needed nothing, no one else.
I swear if I didn't realise then, that I loved him, on that day I did.
Something told me that I want him to be mine.
My last love.
A love, that understands me because it grew from a friendship.
There was no getting to know needed and it was all just perfect.
I fell in love with my bestfriend. At that time I was like," I'm lucky I'm in love, with my bestfriend."
And then the most magical thing happened, we became lovers.
1st December 2010. Magical indeed.
I had to spoil everything by asking him, "Eh abeh Y macamane eh!? Dia tahu aku dengan kau together confirm kecoh siol.." Then he was like.. A'ah sia. We didn't know what to do.
Because we know Y would be freaking pissed off.
So the next day was another movie marathon, but this time with Y around.
And Y was with his ex girlfriend. But they're just friends, she loves him, he doesn't.
So I was with X. Somehow, at first X and I didn't show anything.
After a while, we held hands under covers and I just lay on him while we watched movies.
It soon led to hugging and Y just watched. And soon got angry and fucked up.
He was like telling his ex girlfriend that a girl ditched him for his bestfriend and that she was a bitch, a slut and everything. All in his fit of anger. He didn't direct it to me. But X and I knew, who was referring to.
I looked at X for comfort, and he just hugged me and told me to ignore the hurtful comments.
Because we did hurt Y after all.
And so, we held hands and fell asleep after that.
However as days go by, X started getting uncomfortable with the fact that Y was not agreeable to our relationship.
Y said to me, " Kau sumpah ngan aku ah, kalau banyak banyak pun, jangan dengan brother aku ah. And lagipun kau gila dia nak sayang kau? Dia masih sayang ex die lah. HAHAHA."
And to X, "Kalau kau dengan Zirah, aku tak berbual dengan kau sehidup semati."
Something like that ah I don't remember precisely.
So things got pretty bad. I swear I hated Y so much.
And so...................
We resolved things by going back to being BFFS.
Because that way, no heartbreaks, no lies.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Till, now. I never stopped loving you, I just stopped showing it.
And after our breakups, you dated. You brought the girls and I met them.
Yes, imagine how it hurt. I was like.. How the heck he moved on so fast..
And you also started telling me how you've always loved your ex.
Now I wonder where does that put me, all this while.
But he tells me that he did love me, but just things didn't work out.
I was left confused.. But I let things be. I showed him that I moved on. While deep inside, I still have not.
Seeing him with different girls, he hugging them or just being with them, in front of me.
And I just had to put up a strong front. To everybody, I was just X's bestfriend.
Because nobody really knew about us anyway.
Pretending is ass difficult, but I did anyway. Every day.
Even giving advice to the girls about him when they're worried about him.
Like, how he is and all. It truly hurts but I guess, seeing him happy makes me happy.
I was even in a situation where, X was with a girl and there was also Y and I.
We went drinking and somehow after that, got tired and had rest.
On one big cute bed. X lay with that girl, then it was me, and Y.
Y and I were quite distant I could say, I didn't want anything to do with him.
But while the girl was asleep, suddenly, X held my hands under the covers.
I was shocked and wanted to let go, but I knew I couldn't because I love him.
While he held my hands nobody knew the amount of tears that ran down my face.
And when the girl woke up, we let go.
And again, I had to pretend I was just X's bestfriend.
Sometimes, the girls would ask me, why I didn't go for Y.
I would answer because I loved somebody else.
And once, Y said "Die sayang brother aku lah."
Then I was like, fuck no don't reveal.
Then of course we had everything covered. Y didn't have only one friend anyway right.
So yes, many situations like this.
Where I had to see my love go with other girls.
Right in front of my face and pretend everything's okay.
Because it's not suppose to hurt me.
I'm still just his bestfriend now, and I do tell him I miss him every now and then.
But I've stopped telling him I love him because it's just better that way I guess?
And I know how much his ex loves him. And how much, he loves his ex.
I was never part of his love story.
I was just a passerby, that fell very much in love.
And that's my mistake. So I'll just sit and watch him be happy, quietly.
He doesn't need to know that I still love him, it doesn't matter anyway.
Still being friends with this boy is just good enough for me.
Even though our time together was short, it was how you were always there for me, and the times we had together, even before we got together.
How comfortable I was with you and how you can make me so happy.
I've given you a long list on why I love you.
And I still mean everything I said a few months back.
It is really so tempting to reveal your name here, but I really just can't I guess.
I don't want to complicate things because really, people only knew me as your bestfriend and not more.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I want to be in a cute relationship. The ones where you sleep over each others houses, not for sex but just to be with them. The ones where there’s always honesty and no secrets lying around. The ones where the person means the world to you, no matter what happens. I’d love to have a relationship like that."
"I know things have changed, in a way I never expected. I hope your life is everything you want it to be and no matter when, or how long it’s been since we’ve spoken, nor how late it is in the night, I’m always a phone call, a text, a drive away. I promise you that you will always be my best friend and I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Cause through everything that happened, it was meant to. And I look of it as a test, a test to see how strong our friendship is. We can make it, I know we can. And just know that no matter what happens in our lives, I’ll always be here for you."
"It hurts to love someone when we can’t tell them what we really feel because sometimes we get hurt without them knowing. We get jealous even if we have no right to feel that way. We want their time even if we are not in the position to demand for it. Although our hearts are breaking in silence, we still continue to love them because somehow in this hurtful love there is still hope of having simple moments with them even if it means being just a friend."
And lastly..
"Often times we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn’t mean that we’ve stopped loving them or we’ve stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you."
I don't mind spending Valentines' Day alone or with just my friends if its not going to be with you anyway.
I love you forever and always, X. Just up next to Sharifah Dhaniah.
