♥ First love story

Hi there.

I..........Okay, I met up with my first love,Hilman today.

Together with Fariz though.

They fetched me from school.

Everything was awkward at first. I couldn't even look at Man in the eyes.

I could only talk to Fariz and had minimal conversation with Man.

They accompanied me home to change and we set off for Tampines.

Slowly, I got used to Man again and we did some catching up.

We started laughing and teasing and just talking and  well... that's when I realised how much I actually missed him. 

"Fariz: Do you think you and Man will get back together?

Me: No of course not.........Impossible that we'll get back together anymore.

Fariz: Tell him that you miss him, Zirah. Have a slow talk with him. And no Zirah, it's not impossible. I know Zirah, I know him.

Me: No lah Fariz..... It'll be weird. It's been too long........

When we sat in the bus while on our way home, at a point of time both of us were quiet.

I stole glances at him and looked out the window. 

Brief memories of our times spent together flashed in my head.

Accompanied by the silence, I already had tears in my eyes but I couldn't let him see me cry.

He was after all the best I've ever had.

And suddenly my pokemon message tone rang about.

New message from K.

Reality struck me back and I realised that we were now....Impossible.

I don't know, just many things have changed. 

Sure we still love each other somehow deep in our hearts. 

But...... We just can't get back together. I just know it.

Goodbye was hard as always just now, as we don't know when we'll meet again.

Our story? 

Hilman.

He was my bestfriend, my boyfriend, my supporter, my everything.

I knew him from December 2008.

Standard lah mat minta number so yes, Man was a matrep.

He's very very thin, small yet tall and well yes, heavily tattooed.

Because of his tattoos, he had always been misjudged.

He wasn't my dad's favourite. And even my friends who saw me just now were like,
"WHO is that Zirah? Naik tangge kat Bedok eh?"

We've never had sex. He respects me. Tattoos doesn't define anything.

He may look so bad, but he's really such a good person.

BACK TO THE STORY! 

We got together on 10 February 2009 and till somewhere in 2011 we had an on and off relationship.

I was always with him. Like, I'm not with him only during those times when I'm sleeping.

So yes, always.

We would get drunk together, get high together, do bad things together.

Sometimes just the 2 of us, but sometimes, with his friends.

I didn't mind both ways as long as he was by my side.

Slowly, he didn't like me getting high anymore because I was going for the highway.

He, was the one who helped me stop my habit.

Sadly, my dad thought that he was the one who taught me these stuffs.

My dad couldn't stop me from meeting him but he really showed me how much he hated Man.

But I really couldn't leave Man. 

I continued to meet him.

I would take care of him while he was high, be by his side and we'll just spend our days and nights together. We do have quarrels and fights and even funny love triangles in our relationship.

We do break up and stuff, but we'd still meet each other, sort things out and get back with each other soon enough. It's like, we're so used to each other, so in love, we could never leave each other's sides. He felt that no other could understand and love him the way I do and I felt the same way for my own side too.

We would just lay beside each other underneath the stars, look at them, and talk about life.

On cold nights, we would cuddle.

I could tell him anything and everything.

We only talk in "aku, kau" language.
I would put make up on him and make him walk everywhere.
We would make stupid faces at each other and just laugh the hell at each other.

We would tease each other all the time and hurl vulgarities at each other, yet love so much at the end of the day.

Sometimes, he would bring me home, to meet his mum and brothers.

And we would just sit and watch tv together...slowly falling asleep.

See, my love story is actually really simple.
No he don't bring me out on expensive dates or watch movies. Nope.
We've done nothing of the sort.
We've just always spent quality time together. Having dinners and suppers at coffeeshop or his home. We would have dates in the park or playground.
I didn't mind one bit. I know he can't give me luxury. But he always gave love.
All I needed was him with me.
I remembered the first time we wanted to step into a shopping mall together.
I was like, "Eh siala, ni first time sia kau dgn aku gi shopping centre together sesame!"
Then he was like, "Eh a'ah sia. Kk jom kita step in together!"
Hahahahais.
Those cute funny moments.
I was so happy with him. So, so happy.........

Sadly and unfortunately...........

One day, I caught him cheating.

He was texting another girl behind my back.

I was devastated.

I asked for a break up. Before this we also had breakups lah but this was our worse cuz..... we never got back together after that :/

But. We still met up.
He kept apologising and saying how much he regretted his actions.

Slowly, I forgave him.

We still spent time together often but, we never officially got back together.

Our love continued to grow......but so did his habit.

So that, was how it was from 2009 - 2011.

End of 2010 - 2011,

Slowly I'm growing up too. Exploring new things and places.

 While he, is starting to get worse in his habit.

We started to meet lesser and.. lesser.

We just texted. Or called.

Slowly, even the texts and calls disappeared.

I would randomly text him saying that I miss him but I wouldn't get a reply.

One day, he texted me, telling me how much he still loves me and misses me. But he just can't bear to be with me again. Not because of my faults, but his.

He's afraid of hurting me again. With his growing habit.

He was afraid that he couldn't make me happy. That he couldn't support me in the future.

That even he don't know what his future holds.

So he told me that it was best that he let me go and let someone else make me happy.

After that... I just cried.

I kept telling him that I didn't mind but he just told me to go on.

So........ I did.

Honestly, I still texted him then randomly how much I miss him.

He would only sometimes reply me and soon, we stopped altogether.

Throughout 2011, my life changed and so did his.

Some of his friends went to jail, some are still inside, some are already out.

I have my own changes.

So he went out of my life. 

Till recently, his friends kept telling me that Man still loves and misses me.

We've planned to meet other times too but I couldn't as I was busy.

And so........it led to today 's meet up. AFTER A YEAR!

Finally, after a year.

But things have changed.

He's not who he was back then and I lead a different life right now too.

For us to get back together, would mean starting afresh. Starting from scratch.

And I don't think he's up for it either. At least, that's what I think.

So I guess, it's "Till we meet again, Man. My first love."
I don't know if I ever got over you. If I haven't, I know someday I will. But I will never forget you Man.
Not you, not ever.
Several times, I have been in love after Man, but nobody.......could ever compare to him.
He was my first true love after all.
He watched me grew, he saw me through my ugliest days, he was always there.
But I guess our story...........has ended.
We've totally stopped contacting.
But even right now, I have the strongest urge to text him and tell him how much I miss him, us.
But......I won't. I can't. I don't know how to.
We'll only always just be friends now.
I'll always keep you in my memories Man. Always :')
I really hope....to just at least, see you again.