♥ I'll find mine

Hi.

So I'm staying off partying. For at least Wednesday. That aside;

Sigh. You know the feeling where you know things just won't work out no matter how you tried?

Yes, I'm getting that feeling. Not that I've tried my very best too, but why should I give my best if that someone can't even accept me for what and who I am?

Oh yes, I have an oh-so-bad past. Okay it was fine with me when he said it was a tough pill to swallow.

But honestly? I feel like he look down so much on me.

That's not a very good thing right? Neh, not a good thing at all.

That aside too, 

(In italics are his words.)

Yes I drink lots of alcohol. Yes I eat a lot. YES I AM FAT, for that matter. 

"See it's good enough at least I'm trying to accept you even though you're big sized."

Okay, yes......... I'm tall and fat.

Wah wah wah. Okay lah so, I'm supposed to feel so honoured that he's contacting a girl like me.

And that I, get to contact a saint / hunk like him?

It's like, he made me feel that I don't deserve him.

It's like I'm way below his standard.

Le sigh, I put both my hands up. I can't do anything anymore.

"I won't talk to you if you don't get me my present." Seriously? Okay.

That pathetic. I mean that little to him.

This heart aches as I'm typing everything out here. It really hurts so bad.

As I talked to him on the phone earlier, many thoughts raced my mind.

Is this really how I should be treated? No matter what my size, my past, seriously? 

I didn't promise him any gifts. But I WOULD be lying if I said I didn't actually want to save for his much wanted 90 bucks costing present. I did want to. 

Till he said, "Sial lah, if you buy me a birthday card, I'll just throw it to your face."

Imagine how my heart crushed. Upon hearing that, I'd rather gift it to my dad or brother.

I've never spent that much on anyone I've ever loved anyway.

For the fact that I don't even come from a well to do family, if I save that much for you, you must be somebody....................

He had someone else in his mind anyway. Losing me wouldn't even mean shit.

All those praises on your twitter for a girl, I don't even think that's for me.

I don't even think you think that highly of me.

I had my reasons for assuming. For thinking all those thoughts and tweeting those all night.

You would literally raise your voice at me, saying I'm irritating, saying that I'm thinking too much.

It has nothing to do with your busy schedule. 

I understand his busy schedule completely. 

I understand that he won't have that much time for me.

But sometimes, it's just these little things that matter to us girls.

The way we're talked to, the way we're treated.

I may be wrong, I may be right.

But......... I think I've reached my limit.

I told myself that I will try to hold on.

But...... Not if things have come to this.

Sigh.........

Life goes on. What will be, will be.